Souls Don't Meet By Accident
Setiap gue berkunjung ke Bali, mampir ke Salieri adalah wajib hukumnya. Hari ini gue sengaja memilih meja pojok. Well, kalau aja gue nggak butuh sedikit privasi, gue akan dengan senang hati memilih duduk di outdoor lantai dua yang langsung menghadap ke laut.
Nggak seperti biasanya, kali ini gue cuma memesan Sparkling Honey Lemon dan satu slice Salieri's most famous Black Ocean Velvet cake.
Waktu pesanan gue datang, nggak lama Sabian datang.
“Where have you been, Sienna?” tanyanya dengan raut wajah khawatir.
“Relax, Sab.” gue menegakan posisi duduk. “I'm not leaving you to marrying some other guy in here, though.“
“No, Sienna, don't.” katanya sambil mengusap kasar wajahnya.
Satu pitcher beer pesanannya datang. Gue melempar senyum ke waiter dan berbisik, terima kasih.
Sabian menegak habis satu gelas beer dinginnya. “What's going on?“
Alih-alih menjawab pertanyaan Sabian, gue lebih memilih untuk mendengar penjelasannya. “Well, hello to you too. So?”
Sabian nampak kebingungan akan pertanyaan yang baru aja gue lontarkan. Namun nggak lama dia paham.
“I'm sorry,” mulainya. “Regina chat aku, kasih kabar kalo visa Laluna ditolak karena akta kelahiran dia bermasalah, sedangkan besoknya mereka harus terbang ke Amsterdam. Waktu aku mau ngabarin kamu, hp ku mati. Maaf, Sienna. Aku minta maaf. Karena waktu telepon, Laluna lagi nangis dan Regina juga panik.”
Gue menegakan duduk dan melipat kedua tangan di depan dada. “Terus akhirnya gimana? Bisa diurus dan berangkat?”
“Yes, thanks to Om Radian – Papanya Tama, yang udah mau bantu di menit terakhir.”
Gue mengangguk – berusaha mengerti. “You know you could just buy her a new tickets, right? Untuk dia bisa urus berkas anaknya. Or she could buy herself a tickets for two alongside with her daughter, no? So you don't have to bail out.“
“Sien – “
“I'm not finished.” kata gue sambil mengangkat satu tangan – tanda untuk nggak menginterupsi.
“Sabian, I do understand that you have a big heart to help people. Even if it's Regina. But you need to set your priority. I'm not asking you to put me on your top list but you need to choose which one is your priority.” gue menarik napas sebelum melanjutkan, “So, which one?“
“You,” jawabnya tanpa ragu. “It's always been you, Sienna.”
Gue tersenyum sinis. “But you still keep her picture in your wallet.“
Sabian terlihat kebingungan mendengar kalimat gue barusan. “What picture?“
“Figure it out yourself.“
Ia merogoh saku belakang celananya dan mengeluarkan Bottega Veneta leather wallet-nya. Air mukanya berubah sesaat Ia menyadari kebenaran yang gue ungkapkan beberapa detik lalu.
“Kayaknya kalo aku nggak bilang, fotonya bakal ada di situ terus ya.” Itu bukan pertanyaan, melainkan pernyataan.
Sabian menarik keluar foto Regina di dalam dompetnya. “Aku nggak tau ada foto Regina di sini. I'll throw it away.“
Gue menaikan satu alis. “You bought the wallet after you two split up, right?“
“Of course.“
“Then how come its still there?“
“I don't really remember put it in my wallet, Sienna.”
“You don't remember or you don't want to remember?“
Sabian terdiam.
Gue, lagi-lagi, manarik napas panjang. I know it's going to be mentally exhausted talking to him but I didn't expect that it'd be this hard. “Sabian, you still have a picture of her inside your wallet and you don't get rid of it up until now. Accept it.“
Sabian mengangguk pasrah. “I'm sorry.”
“Then it's settled.”
“But I love you, Sienna.”
Gue tersenyum. “I don't think so, Sab. You just love the idea of us. Just because things could've been different doesn't mean they'd have been better.“
“But you enjoyed my company.“
“I do. Because I've missed you, Sab. Because I don't why I treated so wrong back then. You left me when I did everything in my power to make you happy – to make us happy. But why,“
Gue nggak bisa nahan air mata yang tiba-tiba aja mengalir deras. It hurts. Pikiran gue melayang di hari dimana Sabian menerima permintaan keluarga Regina untuk menikah dengannya, sebab mulai hari itu, Sienna yang berhadapan dengannya hari ini, bukan lagi Sienna yang sama.
“Sienna,” Sabian menarik tangan gue ke genggamannya. “I'm sorry. Please do believe when I say I love you, I mean it. Wholeheartedly.”
I'm gonna miss his warm hands holding mine. “You chose to her. You chose her since day one, Sabian.”
“I'm not choosing anyone over anyone, Sienna. I know I screwed up. I know I was stupid when I said you deserve better because I didn't even try to be better for you. I know I was stupid when I decided to marry her, hanya karena aku nggak mau liat kamu makin menderita.”
Sabian berpindah duduk ke sebelah gue saat melihat tubuh gue yang mulai bergetar.
“I'm sorry, Sienna. I hurt you so bad. Aku pikir dengan nikahin Regina, at least, satu masalah selesai. But I was wrong, it costs me to lose you. And I don't want to lose you again.“
Kami diam selama beberapa saat dengan gue yang masih menstabilkan nafas, serta Sabian yang masih mengusap pelan punggung tangan gue.
“Sabian,” mulai gue lagi, “After almost two weeks, I realized something.“
“Tell me, Sienna. I'll listen.“
“I love you Sabian, I do.” gue mendongak dan menatap Sabian tepat di manik matanya. “But I don't like you anymore.“
“Sienna, kamu cuma takut. Don't let your anxiety lying to you.“
“Sab, semenjak kita ketemu lagi, aku tutup mata sama apa yang pernah terjadi. I thought that if I acted like it didn't matter then it wouldn't, but I was wrong. Aku sengaja lupa akan sakit hati dan semua trauma di hari lalu, pretend like nothing happen. Aku nggak pernah bener-bener lupain, Sab, aku cuma berusaha buat nggak inget rasa sakit itu semua. Dan aku nggak mau kalo nantinya akan saling curiga karena nggak percaya sama kamu, aku nggak mau hal-hal kayak gini bakal jadi boomerang kedepannya, karena aku belum ikhlas diperlakuin kayak gitu, Sabian. Akan ada masa dimana aku meledak nantinya kalo kamu paksain ini semua – paksain kita. I can't Sab.”
“Kamu bisa, Sienna.”
“Sab, aku nggak bisa. Kita nggak sehat.”
“Kamu bukan nggak bisa. Tapi kamu nggak mau!” bentak Sabian.
Gue meringis kala merasakan pergelangan tangan gue yang digenggam terlalu erat. “Sab, please, lepas. Sakit.”
“We can try. We can always try, Sienna.”
“Sab, please, lepasin dulu. Tanganku sakit.”
“She says it hurt.“
Gue dan Sabian mendongak, mendapati satu wajah familiar – at least buat gue, yang menginterupsi kami.
“Ezra?”
Sabian melempar tatapan nggak suka ke laki-laki di sebelahnya. “It's no one of your business. Back off.”
“Unfortunely, it is.” ujarnya dengan suara dan tatapan yang jauh lebih mengintimidasi. “You made a bit of chaos in my restaurant.“
Sebelum Sabian sempat menjawab, gue melepaskan genggaman tangannya dan bangkit. “Ke restroom.”
Gue duduk di dalam toilet, memandangi bekas merah di pergelangan tangan kiri gue. This is not Sabian I know. Or perhaps, I never really knew him at all.
“You there?“
It's not Sabian, I can tell only by his voice.
“Y-yes.”
Suara langkah kakinya mendekat. “He's waiting for you outside, probably at the parking lot. You can come out and meet him. I'll be watching from afar. Don't worry.“
“Ezra,” gue membuka sedikit pintu toilet yang gue tempati. “Thank you.“
Nggak ada jawaban, hanya suara langkah kakinya yang kembali menjauh.
Gue menarik napas panjang sebelum beranjak keluar dari toilet. Merapikan rambut gue yang sedikit berantakan di depan cermin sebelum benar-benar melangkah keluar.
“Sienna,” katanya begitu melihat gue. Puntung rokok ditangannya langsung ia buang ke sembarang arah setelah dimatikan. “Maaf. How's your hand?“
Gue sedikit menepis tangan Sabian yang mencoba menarik tangan gue. “It's fine.”
It hurts.
“I'm so sorry Sienna, I was – “
“Sab, I don't think we can make it. Let's end this, whatever it is between us. I'm no longer available for things that made me feel like shit, and I rather have nobody than half of somebody. You need to heal – we need to heal. Pelan-pelan Sab, pelan-pelan nikmatin hidup kamu. Make up for your lost time; visit Reykjavík, pet a Samoyed, buy your dream grand piano, anything. We're two broken people, Sab. And two broken people don't fix each other.“
And that's how it ends. Sabian yang mengambil satu langkah maju untuk memeluk gue. He understand. He finally understand. I'm gonna miss you, bisiknya di telinga gue. It will pass soon, jawab gue sambil melepas pelukannya.
“Kamu nginep dimana? Aku anter ya?” Enough, Sabian. I'm not risking anything ever again.
Pertanyaannya yang keluar dari mulutnya dan getar ponsel gue datang di saat yang bersamaan.
“I already ordered a taxi.” kata gue sambil senyum ke Sabian. Tangan kami masih terpaut di bawah sana. “Good luck?“
“You too, Sienna.”
Sabian, Sabian Aditama, I was once silently hoping that time has made a mistake and has already reserved a moment for us to find each other again one day. Sabian Aditama, my Sabian, I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone in a long time. You will never be unloved by me. You're too well tangled in my soul, despite everything that we've been through. Sabian Aditama, my once in a lifetime, meeting you will never be my regret, but tolerating the way you hurt me, always will be.